“We voted a Ukip council but not because we’re … Ukip-y,” explained Davis. “We were fed up – but it’s gotten worse. We’re being left behind.”

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Questions have already been raised over whether the company’s services will even be ready to run by 29 March.

He’s showing that can-do spirit New York Jets owner Woody Johnson, whom Donald Trump appointed as ambassador to Britain for some reason (clue: he’s a big Republican Party donor), says we need a little more of to sail off into the sunlit uplands. His team won four games this year, so we really should take heed.

The government has been accused of “anti-competitive” and “distortionary” behaviour by Eurotunnel, after awarding a series of no-deal Brexit contracts to shipping companies including a startup that has yet to run ferry services.

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As for the guns the army relies on? Well Epic Games is showing off some neat designs in the latest edition of Fortnite. What could possibly go wrong?

A leading boss at Brexit ferry operator Seaborne Freight, which won a lucrative government contract to prepare for a no-deal scenario despite having no ships, said that he wished for a hard exit from the EU for the company’s fortunes days before the deal was announced.

Jacques Gounon says deals including £13m for firm with no ships may have been illegal

“Our contractual arrangements clearly reflect Seaborne Freight’s status as a new ferry operator and as such it is obliged to meet a number of stringent time-staged requirements to demonstrate that it can provide an effective service, with break clauses in the DfT’s favour if it fails to meet them.”

“We are in the final phase of the project and we are approaching the point of signature with Ramsgate and Ostend, with services due to commence in March 2019,” it said.

As a dredger prepares the harbour for Brexit, locals are unsure if the ‘no-ships’ ferry firm is the solution to the port’s problems

Irene, who works in a cafe by the train station, agreed. “We just want it over with now, it’s a joke. I’ll be honest, Brexit comes on the news and I turn it over, it’s bad isn’t it? But we need to get out and just get on with it. The majority of us voted for it and it’s only right.”

Here’s hoping that the Latin will be removed from the page by 29 March.

In 2016, the Kent town of about 40,000 people voted overwhelmingly for Brexit with 64% of the Thanet constituency voting Leave, based on a 73% turnout – one of the highest in the UK. According to Davis, very few locals will have changed their mind: “It was never about too much immigration really,” he nodded awkwardly. “It’s about jobs, housing and paying all that money to the EU.”

Sod it. Let’s give the contract for making warships to Amazon. We’re about to become part of the pax Americana after all. Trade secretary Liam Fox is just gagging to get its chlorinated chicken into Tesco (so it isn’t just him who’ll be gagging).

On Monday, the government plans to test its Brexit preparations by finding out how many HGVs can fit along local roads towards Dover at once.

Questions have already been raised over whether the company’s services will even be ready to run by 29 March.

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As you might have guessed by this stage, Seabourne Freight’s privacy page takes a similarly botched mould.

Wait, what’s that you say? Chris insisted on a competitive tender for Greggs Grayling Air’s catering and builder Balfour Beatty has won it? Ah well, at least their people should know something about making tea.

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“It doesn’t look like that thing [the dredger] is doing very much,” said Margaret Selwood, who was walking her dog along the beach. Selwood, whose late husband “worked in maritime”, was hopeful that a no-deal Brexit could restore Ramsgate to its former glory. “We were a proud town before they just left all this here to rot and it’s a shame really. I don’t think this lot knows what they’re doing but I think it’s good if it gives us a boost.”

I was trying to think of a suitably ridiculous suggestion for someone to operate the trains to cap off this column, but given the muppets Calamity Chris has in charge right now, there doesn’t seem to be any need for change there. They’re ideally suited to the Britain he and his Conservatives are creating for us. It’s a Britain that’d make even those Jets look good. Perhaps it’s time we followed that team’s example and fired the coaching staff.

Grayling defended his department’s accelerated tender process and said he made no apologies for supporting a British startup.

“It is with serious concern that we have read in this weekend’s press details of agreements between HMG [Her Majesty’s government] and certain ferry operators up to £107m to provide additional capacity to be sold into the market even if a deal is reached,” he wrote.

Worst Seaborne Freight

Sure, the company might not have had any trading history, but what’s a missing timetable between a large Conservative party donor and the needs of the general public?

On Tuesday, the company asserted that it had planned to run the service “regardless of the outcome of Brexit decision-making”.

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A councillor in Ramsgate warned the port will not be ready for services in April. It has not been used as a ferry terminal for some years and only last Thursday did excavation of the seabed begin, so ferries and large cargo ships can start operating out of the harbour again.

“Ramsgate is a deprived town and we’re not waiting for the government to inject money here,” said Stephen Byrne, who moved from London. “It has a wonderful history, Van Gogh lived here, Queen Victoria holidayed here, we’re trying to regenerate the port and harbour as a tourist attraction.”

Seaborne Freight was one of three companies given a share of £103million by the government for additional ferries to keep goods flowing in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

But in spite of their login credentials being on display – and the fact that it would be very, very illegal – no-one would be able to log into the website anyways.

The country took a collective sigh of disbelief after learning Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has awarded the no-deal Brexit ferry contract to a company that doesn’t own any ferries. And, as we learn more, it’s getting worse.

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Gounon said the company was ready and waiting for the government to act and “remains prepared to deliver additional capacity under equivalent contracts to those you have signed with ferry operators”.